funny joke thread

[jcunningham0295]

The Sensitive Man

LMAO.... 

[ballpython584]

Here's one for Larry....

Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Gotta love it...

Here's my contribution...

Happy Dog

THREE DOGS AT THE VET...

  Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I  pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets.   But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a  pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

[JeffroM]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
>
>I have two female parrots,
>
>But they only know to say one thing'
>
>'What do they say?' the priest asked.
>
>They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
>'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
>
>Then he thought for a moment......
>
>'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
>
>Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
>
>My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
>And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
>
>'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
>
>The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
>She saw that his two male parrots
>were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
>
>Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
>
>After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
>
>Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
>There was stunned silence...
>
>The one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,
>
>'Put the beads away, Frank,
>Our prayers have been answered!
>
>
>

[hezekiah]

hahahahaha

[Super Turtleman]

Lol!!!

[Regalblue]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a coupleofhis friends He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back..

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someoneontheother side of the wall screamed, 'You @$$h0l3! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

[gcalvus]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
> for
> my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a
> woman
> behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have
> little
> to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
> the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended
> up
> in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
> in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
> IVs
> in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
> works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat
> one
> or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
> it
> works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
> practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
> poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
> and
> a car hit me.

[JeffroM]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
> for
> my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a
> woman
> behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have
> little
> to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
> the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended
> up
> in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
> in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
> IVs
> in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
> works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat
> one
> or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
> it
> works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
> practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
> poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
> and
> a car hit me.

LOL.  True story right?  As that sounds like something you would do.   

[gcalvus]

it was a cute poodle 

[Regalblue]

it was a cute poodle 

LMAO!
Now we know why you missed the tour. 

[gcalvus]

HOW OLDER GUYS PICK UP CHICKSA truly touching story....
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money"

[Regalblue]

Lol, thanks Gary

I was out in public reading this.  Should've seen the looks I received, when I busted out laughing

[Super Turtleman]

Lol.

[Super Turtleman]

[gmaschke]

Now that there was funny Emil!!!