funny joke thread

[mightieskeeper]

Emil wins! LMAO

[Super Turtleman]

I laugh every time I see it. That joke is hilarious to me.   

[JeffroM]

A old biker rolls into a saloon in the middle of nowhere. The sign over the bar says cold beer $2 hamburger $2.50 cheeseburger $3 handjob $50 . The biker sees the super hot barmaid and says are you the one that gives the handjobs? She says with a knowing smile why yes I am. He leans over and whispers in her ear. Then go wash your f****** hands,cuz I want a cheeseburger

[JeffroM]

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70s walk into a sex therapists office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse". He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye. A week later the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row, the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor and leaves. Finally after 3 months of this routine the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask, just what are you trying to find out?" The man says, "We aren't trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139, we can do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Super Turtleman]

Lol!

[mightieskeeper]

Trust......



There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

 

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

 

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a

woman. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as

she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

 

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

 

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them

stay in our bedroom.

 

Did you say ‘hello’?”

[JeffroM]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she
cowers naked under the sheets As her husband undresses in the darkness

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,'
he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want....... Garlic chicken wif snow peas?'

[Super Turtleman]

LOL!!!

[gcalvus]

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

[fish fan]

Skinny Dipping...


An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several
Years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women Skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[fish fan]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
________________________________________
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Walter

[gcalvus]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'






The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'





So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.






The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..."
How much water did you drink??

 
 

____________________________________________________________
Fast, Secure, NetZero 4G Mobile Broadband. Try it.

[GrizzlysDad]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'






The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'





So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.






The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..."
How much water did you drink??

 
 

____________________________________________________________
Fast, Secure, NetZero 4G Mobile Broadband. Try it.

 

[Regalblue]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dean, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'


*Received via email from Frenchie

[Regalblue]

* just received via email from Frenchie

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to

town when a highway patrol officer stopped

her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of

your reins to your horse is wrapped around

his testicles. Some people might consider

this cruelty to animals so you should have

your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband

check this when I get home.

"True to her word, when the Amish lady got

home, she told her husband about the

broken reflector. He said he would put a new

one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the

policeman said there was something wrong

with the emergency brake."