I think I'll just kill my wife's cat and replace it with one of these. This is a Gambian pouch rat. They weigh approximately nine pounds and are about the size of a raccoon.
Think she'll notice, lol? On the serious side, they actually have trained these to detect land mines, so they're pretty intelligent. Also, their primary diet is fruits and grains, so you don't have to worry about them chewing off your face while you sleep as long as there is cantelope in the house.