Michigan Cichlid Association
General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: Regalblue on March 08, 2012, 09:39:14 AM
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How To Shower Like a Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bath mat. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat. Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
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female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers." The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall." Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!" The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!" "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"
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A guy is sitting at home after work waiting for his wife to come home and cook dinner when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. One asks if he is married.
The guy says,”yes, I am.”
The deputy then asks if he may see a picture of the man’s wife.
The guy says, “sure,” and goes to retrieve a photo to show them.
The deputy says, “I am sorry to tell you this, sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
To which the guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook!”
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Oh man, this thread is already EPIC!!!
The first post set the standard VERY HIGH....I was literally LMAO!!!!
Grizzly and Hunter were looking at me wondering what was wrong with me, LOL.
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Thanks Tony
I've been wanting to start a thread like this for awhile. But, couldn't decide what to start it off with. UNTIL I read the shower one. I had tears running, I was laughing so hard
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Potatoes
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got
married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about
going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
tater tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and
make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the
hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped...
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those
high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise
their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when
she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was
going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
*
OK!
Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER!!!
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Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over -women like that are hard to find."
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I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 000?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly, "the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. >"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet:$30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
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how can you tell the difference between folks from Canada and those from the states?
One is fill with great people, great beer and great hockey players
The other has a leaf on their flag
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The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears .
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf .
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf !!”
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The Sensitive Man
I love it. Now there is a guy who takes his comedy seriously. ;D ;D
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Lmao that was good,Gary
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Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one "did" come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment,he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, 4x4's, or have a lot of sex?
''No,' I said. He looked at me and said,...
'Then, why do you even give a s**t?
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Here's one for Larry....
Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
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The Sensitive Man
LMAO.... :D :D :D :D
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Here's one for Larry....
Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Gotta love it...
Here's my contribution...
Happy Dog
THREE DOGS AT THE VET...
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, " So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
>
>I have two female parrots,
>
>But they only know to say one thing'
>
>'What do they say?' the priest asked.
>
>They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
>'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
>
>Then he thought for a moment......
>
>'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
>
>Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
>
>My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
>And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
>
>'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
>
>The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
>She saw that his two male parrots
>were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
>
>Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
>
>After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
>
>Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
>There was stunned silence...
>
>The one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,
>
>'Put the beads away, Frank,
>Our prayers have been answered!
>
>
>
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hahahahaha :D
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Lol!!!
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After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a coupleofhis friends He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back..
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someoneontheother side of the wall screamed, 'You @$$h0l3! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
> for
> my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a
> woman
> behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have
> little
> to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
> the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended
> up
> in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
> in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
> IVs
> in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
> works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat
> one
> or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
> it
> works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
> practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
> poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
> and
> a car hit me.
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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
> for
> my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a
> woman
> behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have
> little
> to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
> the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended
> up
> in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
> in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
> IVs
> in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
> works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat
> one
> or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
> it
> works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
> practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
> poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
> and
> a car hit me.
LOL. True story right? As that sounds like something you would do. :P
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it was a cute poodle ;)
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it was a cute poodle ;)
LMAO!
Now we know why you missed the tour.
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HOW OLDER GUYS PICK UP CHICKSA truly touching story....
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money"
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Lol, thanks Gary
I was out in public reading this. Should've seen the looks I received, when I busted out laughing
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Lol.
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(http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb98/Super-Turtleman/578899_393261117363944_100000401760317_1290686_1703436496_n.jpg)
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Now that there was funny Emil!!!
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Emil wins! LMAO
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I laugh every time I see it. That joke is hilarious to me. :D
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A old biker rolls into a saloon in the middle of nowhere. The sign over the bar says cold beer $2 hamburger $2.50 cheeseburger $3 handjob $50 . The biker sees the super hot barmaid and says are you the one that gives the handjobs? She says with a knowing smile why yes I am. He leans over and whispers in her ear. Then go wash your f****** hands,cuz I want a cheeseburger
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An elderly man and woman, both in their 70s walk into a sex therapists office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse". He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye. A week later the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row, the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor and leaves. Finally after 3 months of this routine the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask, just what are you trying to find out?" The man says, "We aren't trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139, we can do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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Lol!
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Trust......
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a
woman. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them
stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”
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Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she
cowers naked under the sheets As her husband undresses in the darkness
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,'
he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want....... Garlic chicken wif snow peas?'
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LOL!!!
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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
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Skinny Dipping...
An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several
Years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women Skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
________________________________________
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..."
How much water did you drink??
____________________________________________________________
Fast, Secure, NetZero 4G Mobile Broadband. Try it.
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..."
How much water did you drink??
____________________________________________________________
Fast, Secure, NetZero 4G Mobile Broadband. Try it.
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Dean, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
*Received via email from Frenchie
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* just received via email from Frenchie
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to
town when a highway patrol officer stopped
her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of
your reins to your horse is wrapped around
his testicles. Some people might consider
this cruelty to animals so you should have
your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband
check this when I get home.
"True to her word, when the Amish lady got
home, she told her husband about the
broken reflector. He said he would put a new
one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the
policeman said there was something wrong
with the emergency brake."